Whenever you ask your child versus using fear as a way to control your child’s response, it encourages her to come up with problem solving. It allows her to think about the issue and answer for herself. It also gives her the freedom to express what she is doing through her creative mind.

Example 1: “What is wrong with you? You could get run over by a car!” 

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Solution: When the child/toddler is verbal, what could you do instead of scaring them into cooperating?

Let’s say your child just tried crossing the street without looking. Stating, “danger!” is good. Now what? After assessing that the child is safe from harm, this is where you can learn to become a questioning parent and ask your child a question that helps him come up with his own solution that avoids scaring him into doing what you want him to do.

For instance, instead of saying “What is wrong with you? You could get run over by a car!” you could ask, “Do you think it’s safe to not look where you are going?” and then await their answer. Then you could continue by asking, “What do you think could happen?” 

You can also set a firm boundary by letting them know that you need to make sure their bodies are safe and need to hold hands.

Example 2: “What are you doing?” (in an upset or accusatory tone)

Solution: When children are constantly asked in a tone that sounds like you’re already accusing them of doing something “wrong,” it can lead to them feeling guilty and fearful of you. What would it take for you to be able to ask that very same question but in an inquisitive and gentle manner instead?


About Tangee Veloso

Tangee Veloso, Founder and Executive Director of Family Love Village (FLV), is an eco-mamapreneur, coParenting life coach, and author.

Her commitment to bringing community together with the focus and awareness around conscious and sustainable living and compassionate parenting through connection has become an ever-evolving passion. She is also the co-founder of another wonderful conscious community, A Thread of Connection, that supports families with developing deeper relationships with our loved ones based on mutual respect and authentic communication.

Tangee authored her first book, "Taming Your Wild Child: 7 Proven Principles for Raising Connected and Confident Children" and has written many articles on finding ways to connect with our loved ones, our children, our planet, and just as importantly our connection to ourselves.

She is also an experienced fire performer, spoken word artist, a loving mama to her 7-year-old son and a devoted ambassador of the concept with "being the change we wish to see in the world."