“Go to your room and think about what you did to your sister!” or “Go to the naughty chair.”

Ah, the infamous “Time-Out”! As challenging as it may seem in the midst of frustration on both parties, connection is what the child needs in these moments when he has done something “bad” or something of which coParents don’t approve.

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Parents tend to think that putting their child in a time-out will make him think about what he did and realize the consequences. Yet when a child is in a time-out, he is not thinking of what he did “wrong.” He is most likely feeling resentment, perhaps thinking of ways to get even. And the hardest part of what a child experiences during a time-out is feeling isolated from our love.

According to research, time-outs actually can damage the child’s psyche and truthfully doesn’t actually change the child’s behavior. What it ends up doing is sending the child into a panic when we isolate him from our love. Again, this is where conditional parenting tends to “do to” the child instead of “working with” him/her.

It is imperative that we allow our children to experience their feelings – whether it is anger, aggression, and/or sadness that is in need of being expressed. If we are not able to support and encourage them to work through their feelings, then we are merely teaching them to sweep their feelings under the rug, so to speak.

So, in terms of sending children into a time-out, it may seem like it works for the time being but the outcome of disconnection, separation and rejection (and perhaps the many years of therapy) just isn’t worth it (at least in my eyes).

Time-outs can also lead to our children shutting down and numbing their emotions, which can continue into their adulthood and influence how they communicate (or don’t communicate) with others.


About Tangee Veloso

Tangee Veloso, Founder and Executive Director of Family Love Village (FLV), is an eco-mamapreneur, coParenting life coach, and author.

Her commitment to bringing community together with the focus and awareness around conscious and sustainable living and compassionate parenting through connection has become an ever-evolving passion. She is also the co-founder of another wonderful conscious community, A Thread of Connection, that supports families with developing deeper relationships with our loved ones based on mutual respect and authentic communication.

Tangee authored her first book, "Taming Your Wild Child: 7 Proven Principles for Raising Connected and Confident Children" and has written many articles on finding ways to connect with our loved ones, our children, our planet, and just as importantly our connection to ourselves.

She is also an experienced fire performer, spoken word artist, a loving mama to her 7-year-old son and a devoted ambassador of the concept with "being the change we wish to see in the world."